Midnight Log

This one looks to be a bit more random and eclectic than the previous entry. Enjoy.


Inspired by the theme of the recent Honor Society induction ceremony, (ok, not so much) I've been doing a bit of introspection. In particular, the concept of self-confidence has come to the fore. I've constantly struggled with my own for most of my life, and I find the different ways this issue manifests itself to be kind of interesting. Much of the time, my lack of self-assurance is reflected in the typical shyness, awkwardness, and unwillingness to take any risks. But more and more, especially in recent years, I find that I deal with the problem by putting on something of a show of more brash behavior, whether it be smart-ass comments in class or jesting boasts about my own abilities, especially regarding academics. It's tough for me to distinguish between what actions are due to a legitimate change in attitude and increase in confidence, (which definitely accounts for some of it) and what can be attributed merely to this act of internal and outward deception. On the whole, I can't say I mind the change, but I would prefer to retain as much integrity in the matter as possible. Also, I think that in this mode I sometimes come off as a bit arrogant and inconsiderate, not an image I'm aiming for and not really how I perceive my true character. Such overblown pride (borne almost exclusively of insecurity) is an attribute I find repulsive in others, and yet I recognize that it is one of my primary flaws. There's a truism that says we dislike most about others that which we see wrong with ourselves because it becomes a subconscious reminder of our own failings. That certainly holds for me in this case, but with that realization I'd like to try and improve, hopefully attaining a greater measure of humility by way of becoming more genuinely confident and secure.
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Friday was wonderful. I wish I could say that without any qualification whatsoever. After all, school was a breeze, Erik was finally back from France, and the time spent sitting on the beach and otherwise hanging out with friends was fun and relaxing. Yet even in the midst of the good times, I was followed by a constant nagging companion, specifically, a lack of companionship. Don't stop me if you've heard this one before, because you have, but sitting on the driftwood watching the sun set over Puget Sound, I was again struck by the thought of how nice it would have been to have her sitting by my side. There were Pete and Shannon, as adorable and content as could be, and there was the empty space to my right, no one there to put my arm around, lean on, and share the beauty of the moment.
(Thank God there was Banana's Foster to look forward to, or I might have become genuinely depressed =/)
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On a more positive note, today I realized a nice aspect of summer (or the quasi-summer I find myself in now) that I hadn't fully appreciated before. Pete called in the afternoon presumably with plans to chill. I wasn't up to much, simply shooting the breeze with Erik, freshly returned to America. Normally under such circumstances I would have felt compelled to cut off the conversation and go hang with Petey; we and the gang have great times, and there just never seems to be enough opportunities to hang out during the busy school year. But having been together Friday, and planning on attending Folklife with those cats on Sunday, to say nothing of the fast approaching summer-break, I felt like I could let today slide and instead take care of some other business and talk more with mi hermano. That fact that I didn't have to feel torn between spending the day at home or with my best mate is a real testament to this incredible luxury called time that I've been encountering in greater abundance as of late.


And that is what we call three for the price of one; thanks for tolerating my babbling yet again. =)