Something's missing

I've never been much into blogging, but with Pete so happy nowadays, I don't know where to get my daily dose of depression unless I create it myself. ;) Anyway, he's done such excellent work on the angsty front for so long, I figure it can't hurt to spell him for a bit (hopefully longer if things keep going ok).

This year has gotten so much better as the seasons have turned, (a good 2-3 months of fall and winter were pretty much a void for me, yet again) but spring fever is a double-edged sword. The past couple of weeks have really driven that point home. There's all manner of ultra-campy sayings about how spring is the season for love and all that bull, but I'd never really felt that way or cared much about it until this year. The fact that I'm bad at talking to girls notwithstanding, (and there is a huge difference between talking with girls and to them as I'm sure at least Pete can understand) I hadn't met anyone who particularly interested me in that regard, at least not beyond a passing crush. Anyway, I'd certainly not felt any strong compulsion to act on my feelings; the idea of a high school relationship wasn't particularly appealing. Now that my high school career is almost over and any sort of relationship would at best last only over the summer, I finally have changed my mind. Rather, my mind has changed without my particularly having any say in the matter.

The who in this case is pretty obvious to anyone who has known me over the past three years. In keeping with my general disinterestedness in forming a relationship, combined with a supreme lack of self-confidence, I have tried to tell myself that beyond being good friends, I don't have any deeper feelings for this girl. The process of self-deception has worked with varying degrees of success, with my having gone from being "a total creeper" (the general consensus from 10th grade) to almost legitimately convincing myself that I didn't care during my junior year, to writing this damn emo-bitch blog about it at the tail end of 12th grade. The fact is, she’s exceptional, and for some odd reason those qualities that I find so attractive in her just don’t seem to be up and disappearing at all.

I guess the main impetus behind actually wanting to go out with her is seeing some of my friends in wonderful relationships and wishing I could be in a similar situation with her. Being friends is fine, but there seems to be so much more to say and do and share with one another when the connection is a little deeper. I relish our conversations and the time we spend together as is; the thought that it could be even better is exhilarating, but ultimately almost painful.

The thing that makes the situation harder/easier/worse is that I’m reasonably confident she’s not very much into me. It’s somewhat easier to let it slide knowing this, but it doesn’t really change the way I feel. So what am I going to do about it? Your guess is as good as mine. Hopefully with school winding down we’ll get to see each other a bit more often and maybe that'll lead to something good. As I said, with us going off to different colleges nothing would last, but I think I would feel disappointed and a tad dishonest if I never told her. Just hoping I get the chance to do so without it becoming awkward beyond belief.
Cheers.