Self-Survey Part II (Hit Somebody!)

Dos:
This one's slightly more concrete: I'm quite often vicariously violent. I've never been a big kid and despite having two brothers I'm not much of a scrapper either. But this pseudo-pacifism isn't from a particular aversion to physical violence; I'm simply aware that a) I wouldn't get away with it and b) violence isn't really a socially acceptable (or sensible) option in most situations. So I get my kicks (metaphorically speaking) through more indirect means. I've never witnessed a proper fight, but I have to imagine I'd be one of the jerks in the ring around the participants, screaming "Kick his ass!" This happens anyway at hockey games; I get incredibly amped when the gloves are dropped (as do a few thousand other people; the mob mentality at play here is an interesting side topic that I won't delve into for now). Anyway, I think part of the reason I take such pleasure in watching Cameron Abney beat the living shit out of the rest of the Western Hockey League is the knowledge that I would never be capable of something similar. Sure, I could get off my duff and work out once in a while, but I can't imagine ever having the necessary aggression -much less the physical tools- to be a decent fighter. No amount of watching Green Street Hooligans will likely change that. And yet, despite this realization, there's a partially submerged part of me that dearly wants to get into a full-out brawl. Not to prove myself, I'm fully aware that I'm a wimp; I don't need to prove that to anyone. I guess I would attribute it to the darker side of my antsy nature; I gotta move, and dancing's not my thing. And there's probably an evolutionary aspect as well. Now that humans are a bit beyond the hunter/gatherer stage, physical prowess is no longer of paramount importance, but I s'pose those instincts die hard. So instead of wrestling a wildebeest to feed the family, I find myself popping bad guys in Call of Duty, jeering as some poor bastard gets knocked to the ice, and taking cheap shots at Jake knowing full well he could mop the floor with me if he chose (sorry man).

The only other note to add here is that I detest "real" violence. War, abuse, bloodshed... not in my line at all. But for me it's never been hard to reconcile my these seemingly conflicting impulses. There's a pretty clear delineation between the basic degrees of violence, and though the line is crossed too frequently, it's not hard to judge (from an outsider's perspective) when this occurs.